Like many of you, I am a busy woman. In addition to my regular, full-time job as an editor for a software company, I edit papers for a German university and run my essential oil business. I also have four kids. But as women, sometimes being busy is a badge of honor (or dare I say, an excuse). Is that our final goal? I have a really hard time slowing down. I also have a hard time accepting myself as I am. Do they go hand in hand? I am ambitious and like to do things well. But I am unhappy with my body and that truly consumes me. A couple of things hit me today as I read something my sister wrote. I have been reading Daring Greatly by Brené Brown for a book club I am in. She also talks about learning to accept yourself. Alex blogged about it as well recently. But how do you get there? Not by running around mentally and physically without a break, that is for sure.
My sister talked about the fact that she is okay with not being good at something. I am not. I can just say it. I hate it. And I see the same trait being passed on to my youngest daughter. I am all for motivation and for working hard to be good. But as women, we are constantly plagued with this feeling of not being good enough. How is it that one of the main things I spend (waste) time thinking about is my weight? Is that the only thing that is important about me? It is one of those areas where I am unable to gain control. It is also something that I can't hide. Insecurities and weaknesses in other areas of our lives can be buried and hidden away. But our weight cannot. I have a great job. I have a loving, inspiring, intelligent husband who is also a great father and who says he loves me just the way I am, as hard as that is for me to believe. I have four amazing kids. But I can't enjoy any success I have in life because it always comes back to the battle I can never win.
And you know what? I avoid having pictures taken. My kids won't see much of a history with me when I leave this world because I hate the way I look in photographs. How sad is that? I have tried every diet known to humankind. Sure, I can lose weight. But snap your fingers and it is all back on. I go through phases of exercising a lot. But I don't lose a pound. My poor husband has been paleo, low-carb, high carb, vegan, vegetarian, you name it, all in support of me. He's thin. Not me! So where do we go from here? It took Alex going through a major illness of her own and her daughter getting leukemia for her to accept herself. I don't want to go through such drastic measures.
I buy all the books on accepting yourself. But I don't take the time to go through each step they encourage. I just want to live my life. And the media scares us all into thinking we are going to drop dead purely due to being fat. My scores on all of the health fronts are great. No high blood pressure; no high cholesterol. But I certainly don't feel fit. I try to focus on just exercising for the stress relief that it provides. But trying to exercise when you are well overweight is a battle. Just getting myself to the gym is a battle. I wish I had something like yoga, which makes my sister infinitely happy. I'm too old for rugby.
I don't know where I am going with this stream-of-consciousness post. But give me some ideas people? How did you come to accept yourselves? Or are we all in the same place here?